Jess and I went to see the movie “Post Grad” last night. A so-so romantic comedy with several high points mixed with plenty of predictability. Even though the movie was just on the high end of okay, it did get me thinking. I walked down the dark steps of the theater considering how believable I found the movie. All I have to do is remember my senior year of college and the year that followed and I can confirm that it is possible for every single well-made plan to crash and burn. When that’s the case, the level of frustration can reach a point where you simply aren’t sure which direction you want/should/could turn. It becomes nearly impossible to trust yourself to take the reigns again and move your life forward because clearly your odds of screwing it up are sizable. Truth is, I still have days where that distrust in myself is a defining characteristic. They pass, sure, but eventually they come again. When I am able to clear my head I like to think that in a few years I will be happily able to look back on this time (this in-between time, such as it is) and realize I had no reason to worry while I waited.
Author: Carrie Sue Barnes
Carrie Sue Barnes is a fiction author and blogger who fell in love with creative writing as a grade schooler in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. She resides now in Wisconsin with her family, often pulling her love for the Midwest into her writing. Carrie Sue's debut novel, The Hidden Legacy, was released in 2018 by Bold Vision Books to strong reviews. Since then, she has published several short stories and continues to write short fiction and faith-inspired reflections on this site. Carrie Sue loves reading, kayaking, hugging her children and friends, rewatching The Office, and connecting with readers in person and on social media.
Listening
11:45. I switched off my light and laid down, ready to sink into sleep for 6 1/2 hours. Before I could though, the rain began. My window was open and the rhythmic sound of the hard rain rushed inside. It was irresistible. I fought to stay awake for a while just to listen. If I concentrated, I could discern the softer landing of the drops on the leaves of the tree outside my bedroom. I was tired and had gone to bed a bit melancholy, allowing too many impatient thoughts to take hold. But with that sound, with that soaking, driving sound of the rain, came reassurance. I laughed a little at myself as I lay there. I laughed at the way I run to God with so many words, so many tumbling, pleading thoughts to communicate to Him, and then I struggle to hear Him. Turns out all I had to do was be still and let Him bring the rain. He’s a master at subtlety and I would do well to remember that. I listened until I couldn’t listen anymore and when I woke this morning, the first thing I comprehended was the freshness wafting in from the soaked earth.
Give ear, O heavens, while I speak; let the earth hearken to the words of my mouth!
May my instruction soak in like the rain, and my discourse permeate like the dew,
May my instruction soak in like the rain, and my discourse permeate like the dew,
Like a downpour upon the grass, like a shower upon the crops.
For I will sing the LORD’S renown. Oh, proclaim the greatness of our God!
For I will sing the LORD’S renown. Oh, proclaim the greatness of our God!
(Deuteronomy 32:1-3)
No News Is…
Good news, relatively speaking. The manuscript has not been rejected by Moody Publishing at this point. It also hasn’t been accepted. That’s because after four long, dragged out months the editor either hasn’t finished looking it over or hasn’t begun. I can’t tell you the relief I felt at realizing no decision has been made yet. Optimism can be sustained when there is still a sliver of possibility. In my book (or rather, for my book), no news really is good news for the time being. Maybe tomorrow I have an email saying “sorry but it’s not what we’re looking for,” maybe I don’t. All I know is that today, I still have a chance for this publishing deal that I want so badly.
Synonyms
Encouraged; uplifted; edified; emboldened… I do love a good synonym search. The thesaurus is an intimate friend. Last night, I (finally, thank God) finished writing chapter six and began chapter seven. I am increasingly happy with how the story is coming together. If I keep away the devilish self-doubt and concentrate on the movements God puts in my heart to continue writing, any of these synonyms are a fitting choice for me. It’s a funny and perplexing thing, this need to write. I desire, quite a lot, to be published, but I need to write. Personal journal, prayer journal, blog, church newsletter articles, company newsletter, emails, and of course, novels; I’m an addict… in a positive way. It has become a compulsory action. There is a gradually building certainty that without publication, I will still write. It won’t be set aside, not willingly at least.
Need: noun, def.: want, requirement; syn.: charge, commitment, compulsion, demand, duty, essential, longing, must, obligation, requisite, urgency, weakness, wish
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
There are times when my family drives me crrrraaaaazy. With seven siblings, four of whom have spouses, our parents, and ten nieces and nephews being factored in, too, every discussion and plan inevitably becomes more complicated than it has any right being. Every so often, I can be in the middle of listening to the fourteenth change in plans or typing a reply in a ten person email conversation and my imagination flashes with Kelly Kapoor and “This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” It’s as if the simplest idea is required to pass through a gauntlet of ongoing debate and multiple transformations before it can be put into action within the Ebsch family. Also, I’d gladly dare any of my siblings to come up with a single time that our repeated sharing of “in my opinion’s” and “if it were up to me’s” has ever led to actually solving and resolving an issue in the family. I love them all but seriously, is it really that hard to understand why I savor my solo evening/excursions/weekends/activites at every opportunity?
Love Is Different
Well, it looks like five thousand miles broke the camel’s back
But it’s not as though I had a plan to win you back
Because I don’t know what I want
But at least I know that much
Now I’m afraid love came right up
And it slapped me in the face,
But I did not know
‘Cause love is different than you’d think
It’s never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything’s alright
Love is different than you think
Apparently Caedmon’s Call is hitting home with me this week because they’re already making a second appearance on this blog. This song was playing as I pulled into the office parking lot this morning. I only needed the first few lines to be sung before I turned off the ignition, then I continued the singing in my head. Conversations with friends throughout this week, hardships I see people enduring, encounters I’m unsure how to analyze, wishfulness about someone, this song, and even my very disconcerting dream last night – it all has me pondering love. Yes, I do mean romantic love. Although that’s such a weak term for it, wouldn’t you say? Romance… it’s a sliver of the reality for which every person with a vocation to marriage longs… for which I long. My thoughts this week on the matter aren’t about the romance. They’re about the companionship. Side by side, hand in hand, encountering life together; I have so much to learn about selflessness, so much to practice. There is a daunting level of vulnerability involved when you commit yourself to loving another person, as well as allowing another to commit themselves to loving you. This is never more true than in the sort of relationship that’s on my mind. It’s a risky undertaking.
I have to laugh at the complexity of what ought to be simple. I have to laugh or else the anxiety over it happening could get the better of me. All at precisely the same time, God’s actions must be bringing the two of you together, you must be open and willing to make the encounter with that person and follow it into the unknown, and the other person must do likewise. Then there’s the matter of whether or not both of you won’t flee from the call on your heart to love that other person and offer yourselves to the other. It’s a good thing God stays involved. Grace and providence aren’t subsidiary factors here; they’re the essence of the ‘how’ when it comes to love. And therein lies the reassurance, right? I can’t do it on my own; I can’t make it happen or force it into existence. The sort of love I hope to have and hope to give, as the Lord so aptly put it, “For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26)
The band got it right, I’m sure. Love is going to be different than I think. God willing, I’ll have the chance to find that out firsthand.
The Thursday I Wish Was Friday
So, my boss compared me to Craig Counsell today. An ‘ultimate utility player’ was his phrase. You have to be a Brewers fan to understand, but that’s a darn good compliment. 🙂 Makes me a little less impatient with the fact that I’ve spent three-fifths of my work week covering three other people’s jobs when they each took a different day off.
I’m looking forward to this crazy weekend. Not sure how I’ll be fitting everything in but the attempt should prove itself fun. Let’s see… house & dog-sitting for friends, a cookout with a group of friends (really must figure out what I’m contributing to that meal and when I’ll find time to make it), a zany olympics competition with the same group (here’s hoping I don’t fall off the balance beam or fall victim to any of the other ready occasions for humiliation), cooking an owed dinner for someone and watching the Brewers game with him on Saturday night, and (hopefully, hopefully, hopefully) finishing chapter six and at least starting chapter seven of the new book. The only reason I’m not mad at myself for having this kind of weekend after this kind of week, is that next week looks to be full of chill out evening hours and very little scheduled activity. So as long as I am still standing come Monday, I’m confident I’ll recover.
Tonight is my last tennis lesson of the summer. I’m really glad I signed up for it. Am I a better tennis player now? Weeeelllllll…. let’s just say I am a tennis player now. I do actually know what moves to make and swings to choose and how to serve properly, which wasn’t the case at the start of the summer. However, learning how to play doesn’t guarantee being able to play. But the absence of ignorance of the game has at least been replaced with the slightest amount of skill, and I’m glad for that.
This morning I thought it was Friday. One of the truly great disappointments in life, in my opinion.
Carrie In Writing 