Faith, Family, Hope, Personal Reflection, Prayer

We Don’t Know

I don’t want to write this post. I don’t feel like writing it.

I thought about writing it immediately after reading my sister’s message Friday night. I thought about writing it first thing Saturday morning, when I saw other family members’ social media posts. I wrote it in my head while I made breakfast for my kids. Still, I avoided sitting down at my computer and typing it out. Instead, I scrawled out some notes I didn’t want to lose, and went for a run.

I ran and I thought.

I thought about what I’ll feel toward God if the cancer takes my sister in the end. I thought about the anger I’ll experience. Would I feel it toward Him? Toward everything? Or maybe toward nothing, a fiery arrow of anger with no target for release?

I thought about timing, wishing pointlessly that I could tell God my preferences and they’d be taken into account with weight equal to His wisdom. Timing. If the cancer has returned, if her remission is slipping away, why is it happening during a pandemic? When we can’t be with each other? When hospital stays are endured alone, with no visitors? Timing. Her second grandchild is on the way. Growing, developing, taking shape in her daughter’s womb. A gift. A rainbow baby. I have some things to say to Him about timing.

This post sat in my head the remainder of yesterday but I knew I needed to write it this morning. Sunday morning, barren of congregations gathered to worship and pray as one. This is exactly when I should write it.

The reason to write is simple: to ask all of you to pray for my sister’s healing from lymphoma. Simple, and something I’ve done several times already. Why the avoidance, then?

I didn’t want to write it because it feels too much like admitting defeat. Feelings can lie though. They’re masters at it. Asking for prayers is not admitting defeat. It’s admitting faith.

Due to 35 days straight of low grade fevers, and being bedridden for much of that time, they have tested Cheryl for any possible explanation for her symptoms. The only one reasonably left is that the cancer is relapsing. The doctors have admitted this to be the case and she will undergo new scans and biopsies to check the truth of it.

We don’t know yet if the cancer is growing again.

We don’t know yet if God has a miracle for Cheryl.

I’m going to stop getting ahead of myself and admit that just as much as I don’t know the former, I don’t know the latter either. So, I ask you to pray. I ask you to believe in your prayers. I’ll do the same.

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Cheryl and her husband Tom, March 2020

5 thoughts on “We Don’t Know”

  1. Oh Carrie! I am in full out tears and snotty snorts. My kiddos wanted to know what was wrong, so I read them your post. We are all still in our church clothes (we celebrated Mass at 10:30 with Bishop Ricken in our livingroom…and with my parents ling-distance in their U.P. livingroom) and still in prayer mode so we all just said prayers for all of you…especially Cheryl. We asked for a miracle, if that is what is needed and if that is His will, and we asked for Cheryl to feel His love and comforting arms around her in her hospital room. I also thanked God for your family’s faith and willingness to share it and therefore inspire and strengthen others. I also reminded Him that your family would surely give Him unending praise and thankfulness for all He does. I can’t help but think of the Gospel today and the miracle of Lazurus.
    Oh…man…I’m a mess and can’t type or think clearly right now. So many to pray for and so much to still be grateful for at the same time. May we all continue to love one another as He has loved us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautifully written Carrie Sue!!!! Thank you for following what God spoke to you and sharing these encouraging inspirational words. It is exactly I and others have thought and been afraid to say … and as you say we don’t know, it drives us to our knees in prayer as God desires us to be obedient and trust Him. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m also in tears, & difficult to text. She & all the family are in my thoughts & prayers daily. We e did the Mass with Bishop Rikon as well this morning. If there is a miracle out there for Cheryl, Lord grant her one.She will always be special to me, as she was the first grandchild born into our family. Love you all!! Jeanette

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In today’s gospel Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. I think this is a reminder that nothing is impossible for God! During this time of being in the desert it feels like God is far away yet he is right by our side. I believe! Prayers for healing and hope, May you all be blest by the Great I Am!

    Liked by 1 person

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