Post-midnight blogging is always dangerous. I get too honest. If I’m up this late and online, you can assume that my mind is restless. I should be praying, not blogging. Here I am though, needing to get these words out of my head and onto the page.
Waiting is a terribly tricky thing. Waiting is not the same as stopping, but it can certainly feel the same. When I start to feel the weight of waiting, I get restless. I search for something I can move or change. It’s a matter of compensation. If I can’t force the forward movement in what I am wishing for, maybe I can force it in another area. The impatience gives rise to new haircuts and afternoons spent shopping instead of writing. It leads to plans being made in full awareness that they won’t be fulfilled. I’ve learned to ride the waves of restlessness, to take it to prayer or lose myself in a book until it passes.
There are days though… oh, yes, there are days. And nights. Tonight happens to be one of those nights. This morning I was talking things over with the Lord and it all came down to one thing. I am confident in the goodness of His plans. I don’t feel the need to know all those plans right now. What I long to be certain of is that there are plans. I simply want to be assured that this isn’t it. I need to know that what I have in my life now is not all that I will have in my life. It’s not the most grateful state of mind but it’s honest.