Category: The Hidden Legacy

There’s a longing in my spirit to write. Let me be specific. I long to write consistently, fruitfully, confidently, and readily. Each of these descriptors that applied to my writing life now feels lost. When I think of how it used to be, how easily I could sit down with a pen and a notebook and write, it feels like a devastating defeat to be where I am now. It feels like I am nowhere.

How often what is felt is not the whole truth. Sometimes it is not the truth at all.

Now I find myself seemingly even more fixed in this low spot. The publisher of my novel is closing its doors. The wonderful couple who founded and ran the company are retiring and they are not seeking new ownership or leadership. Simply put, this means The Hidden Legacy will become an out-of-print book. I will use a significant portion of my savings to purchase copies so I can continue to promote and sell it myself. That will be the end of them though. The rights to the original manuscript will revert to me, giving me the opportunity to seek a new publisher or self-publish it.

When I received this news last week, the defeat felt solidified. No matter how full I am of the discouragement that has accumulated over the last five years though, the ache to write never leaves. I carry an enduring certainty that it is a key piece of the person God designed when He created me. The desire to create via the written word, and the joy that sparks into little flames on the rare occasions I do write; these have not left me. The entire situation would be easier by a longshot if I were free of that pull inside me.

It is painful, to be frank. But if the struggle is painful, how much worse it would be to wave the white flag. The resignation, the acceptance of defeat as a writer, is a darkness I refuse to step into. I live with it hovering in my presence and I am in a constant fight to keep my back to it.

With some darknesses, the only way through is through. That was the case with the griefs that took me into these dry years. That is the case with the restoration the Lord is working in me. The temptation is to wait out this darkness and dryness, counting on the ease and inspiration to eventually return. That is the temptation, yes, but it is the opposite of the Lord’s prompting each time I take it to prayer.

I will count on consistency. I will count on discipline and accountability. I will count on trust. I will count on God’s promises to fulfill the desires He has written on our hearts. I will count on Him bearing fruit where I no longer know how to bear it.

Why share this here? Why is this anything other than a personal journal entry? I suppose it’s because I’m tired of meeting every “Are you still writing?” inquiry with a shrug, a false half-smile, and “Yeah, it’s just going slowly.” Oh, the countless times I’ve had that exact exchange! Always with the temptation to instead say, “No, I’ve failed at that. It’s done.” Always with my mind packed full of discouraging words of disappointment in myself. I come away from that exchange every single time feeling like a liar; like I’ve misled the person and eventually they will discover the deception. That is why I’m putting these sentences here instead of in my journal. There is no deception here. No misleading. Only honesty and open admission of the realness of where I am as a writer.

Starting from scratch then, here I am. I refuse to put away the pen. May the Lord bring what He will from it.